Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mummy's great big guilt and great big fear
"Reirei! Reirei!"
This is how mummy calls out to you in a shrilly voice, in a sometimes desperate bid to get your attention. The more contemplative you looked, the higher the pitch and the greater the flapping; and mummy mutates into a goofy goose. Adoringly, you'd most often respond with a toothless smile and wave your hands excitedly. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Thank God.
For 1,001 reasons - unfounded or not - mummy was often afraid that you'd not respond (affectionately).
When mummy saw Reirei esthetically babbling away and chuckling indulgently at Papa upon being nudged - while I merely managed 1/8 of the enthusiasm - my heart sank. When mummy saw Reirei snugly resting in grandma's arms - while I was still trying to find the best way to put you to sleep, only beaming whenever I achieved an occasional success - my spirits dipped.
Yes, I'm happy that you fancy Papa (and not some stranger). Yes, I'm relived you have a keen granny (and not some random maid) to take care of you. Yet, a tinge of discomfort lingered in my throat, like an insidious phlegm that tickles and refuses to budge.
Don’t we all presume that babies will prefer their mummies beyond the shadow of a doubt? Don’t all mothers possess the natural ability to calm their infants – as compared to their secondary caregiver(s)? It’s something that we should all take for granted. Or shouldn't we?
Mummy thought so too. After all, I have had some pretty good creds to boast of. My nieces, whom I spent quite a fair bit of time with in their growing years, are fond of me (or so I’d like to think). But little did I know that selective playtime with toddlers does not equate on-demand care-giving for newborns.
To relieve mummy, helpful folks quickly took over. Instead of mummy and just mummy alone, Reirei had mummy clones – granny, nanny and daddy – who ensured that he’s in excellent hands. Add to the fact that as mummy didn’t breastfeed Reirei directly (mummy isn’t sure anymore if I made the right decision when I didn’t persevere), I was quickly engulfed by wretchedness. When we tried to put Reirei to the breast after a few months, you had neither the inclination nor the interest.
Was it because that I didn’t manage to share that magical bond that Reirei found little reason to cosy up with mummy? Mummy wished to cuddle you warmly in my arms and feel you tenderly suckling away the gift of life. Mummy wished to see your contented face as you blissfully drift into lala land while drooling away with your tiny mouth agape and little fingers placed by the pillow that is my breast.
It was an exclusive experience that I didn’t get to relish.
As a result, I had to content with “contesting” with the allies. Mummy does feel rather shortchanged at times. And so, mummy tries to pump as much milk as I can, while stock lasts. It sure does feel yucky whenever the machine nonchalantly mutilates mummy’s breasts while Reirei wails away or is being carried and comforted by one of the folks. It sure does feel lousy that granny could also bottle-feed Reirei with mummy’s milk. I can’t help but wonder what in the world was wrong.
But, mummy reconciled with the fact that the breast milk could keep Reirei healthy and fit (no fever after the past jabs, fingers crossed for future ones)! And mummy continued pumping away anyway. Although mummy did not have a lot to offer, I was just glad that Reirei has some to drink.
Thank God.
Reirei, mummy is not complaining. Mummy is just trying to verbalise my thoughts and get certain things out of my system.
Mummy loves you this lifetime and the next. If mummy ever has another baby and attempts to breastfeed with success, do not blame mummy. It doesn’t mean mummy loves you any less.
It’s time to pump. Mummy looks forward to see your toothless smile and wild waves this evening. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Mummy is, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
This is how mummy calls out to you in a shrilly voice, in a sometimes desperate bid to get your attention. The more contemplative you looked, the higher the pitch and the greater the flapping; and mummy mutates into a goofy goose. Adoringly, you'd most often respond with a toothless smile and wave your hands excitedly. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Thank God.
For 1,001 reasons - unfounded or not - mummy was often afraid that you'd not respond (affectionately).
When mummy saw Reirei esthetically babbling away and chuckling indulgently at Papa upon being nudged - while I merely managed 1/8 of the enthusiasm - my heart sank. When mummy saw Reirei snugly resting in grandma's arms - while I was still trying to find the best way to put you to sleep, only beaming whenever I achieved an occasional success - my spirits dipped.
Yes, I'm happy that you fancy Papa (and not some stranger). Yes, I'm relived you have a keen granny (and not some random maid) to take care of you. Yet, a tinge of discomfort lingered in my throat, like an insidious phlegm that tickles and refuses to budge.
Don’t we all presume that babies will prefer their mummies beyond the shadow of a doubt? Don’t all mothers possess the natural ability to calm their infants – as compared to their secondary caregiver(s)? It’s something that we should all take for granted. Or shouldn't we?
Mummy thought so too. After all, I have had some pretty good creds to boast of. My nieces, whom I spent quite a fair bit of time with in their growing years, are fond of me (or so I’d like to think). But little did I know that selective playtime with toddlers does not equate on-demand care-giving for newborns.
To relieve mummy, helpful folks quickly took over. Instead of mummy and just mummy alone, Reirei had mummy clones – granny, nanny and daddy – who ensured that he’s in excellent hands. Add to the fact that as mummy didn’t breastfeed Reirei directly (mummy isn’t sure anymore if I made the right decision when I didn’t persevere), I was quickly engulfed by wretchedness. When we tried to put Reirei to the breast after a few months, you had neither the inclination nor the interest.
Was it because that I didn’t manage to share that magical bond that Reirei found little reason to cosy up with mummy? Mummy wished to cuddle you warmly in my arms and feel you tenderly suckling away the gift of life. Mummy wished to see your contented face as you blissfully drift into lala land while drooling away with your tiny mouth agape and little fingers placed by the pillow that is my breast.
It was an exclusive experience that I didn’t get to relish.
As a result, I had to content with “contesting” with the allies. Mummy does feel rather shortchanged at times. And so, mummy tries to pump as much milk as I can, while stock lasts. It sure does feel yucky whenever the machine nonchalantly mutilates mummy’s breasts while Reirei wails away or is being carried and comforted by one of the folks. It sure does feel lousy that granny could also bottle-feed Reirei with mummy’s milk. I can’t help but wonder what in the world was wrong.
But, mummy reconciled with the fact that the breast milk could keep Reirei healthy and fit (no fever after the past jabs, fingers crossed for future ones)! And mummy continued pumping away anyway. Although mummy did not have a lot to offer, I was just glad that Reirei has some to drink.
Thank God.
Reirei, mummy is not complaining. Mummy is just trying to verbalise my thoughts and get certain things out of my system.
Mummy loves you this lifetime and the next. If mummy ever has another baby and attempts to breastfeed with success, do not blame mummy. It doesn’t mean mummy loves you any less.
It’s time to pump. Mummy looks forward to see your toothless smile and wild waves this evening. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Mummy is, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Monday, February 14, 2011
启人锐事的第3天
小锐锐，
今天你已经3天大了。。。
回家住了一个晚上，你还习惯吗？
爸爸和妈妈第一次为人父，难免手足无措；有时又怕弄伤你，有时又怕弄疼你，有时候你嚎啕大哭，我们更是心慌，手忙脚乱。。。
我们很庆幸雇佣了一位脾气非常好，为人又容易相处的做月奶妈。我们都尽力向奶妈学习，喂奶，换尿布，洗澡，甚至如何从你的一举一动，了解你的需求。。。
今天你哭闹了一阵子，爸爸想安抚你，你却怎么也不停话，怎么抱都得不到你的接受。尽管你才3天大，你已经会使劲地用双脚踢和甩。
但是奶妈一接手，你却非常安静而又听话地静了下来。。。
小锐锐，爸爸在那个时候有点挫败感。
天不怕，地不怕，今天爸爸碰到“敌手”了。
不过，不用担心，爸爸和妈妈会继续学习和你沟通，了解你的需求。
希望你快高长大，健健康康。
爱你的，
爸爸
对了，今天也是2011年2月14日。小锐锐，今年的情人节对爸爸和妈妈都很特别。
因为有了你。 ：）
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
明天
锐锐，
明天你就满10个月大了（至少医生是这么说的）。
爸妈为你准备了好多的东西，搬运奶妈的床褥，买你的婴儿床，还有许多的婴儿用品。
我在想，抱着你的那一刻，心情会是压力多一点，喜悦多一点，还是激情多一点呢？
养儿育女是一项30年的计划，而再过几天，这项计划就会随着你的诞生而落实。
那天老爸的一个朋友说，侄儿的出世改变了家庭成员之间的感情。大家靠得更近，亲情更浓。还有人说，孩子是上天所恩赐的礼物。
你会带来什么礼物呢？妈妈最喜欢惊喜了。你又为妈妈准备了什么惊喜？是一泡尿，还是一坨屎？：）
真的很神奇。
爸爸的父母亲在35年前也是一泡尿，一坨屎地把我们带大。35年见证了一轮岁月，你的出生地新加坡也一跃成为媲美国际城市的舞台。
再过35年，你也和我一样站在同一片土地，而到时候，又是一番什么风景呢？
爸爸又扯远了。：）
告诉我，小锐锐，我们什么时候会见面？
妈妈等不及了。。。
爱你的爸爸
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
-8mths: My watermelon is turning into a rockmelon!
Dear Chyi Rei,
How are you feeling inside these days? My watermelon boy is turning into a rockmelon boy! Mummy's feeling pretty swell and congested more often. Are you still stretching to cosy up in mummy's belly? 2 more mths to go - I'm sure you are!
Notice that your name has been changed since Yuzhe? Haha, do you think this name sounds better? It means to embark with a sharp mind. Sounds woot, eh? Mummy and daddy has abandoned that former, more stifling name for this cooler one - until another (if at all) name comes to mind :)
Daddy has been so busy that mummy could not help but hold a grudge against him. All my lonely weekends. My wasted golden trimester. Boo hoo! Mummy tried to be a good girl, but still couldn't help feeling really down at times. And once you allow yourself to get down and sucked into a whirlpool, it's hard to get up. But you know, there's really nothing very much to do when you're down. So the next best thing to do is still to get back up on your feet and smell the flowers again. But thank you for keeping mummy company. I often spend my time thinking what you're like, especially when you kick and jive (which is most of the time now). I tried to picture if those chops were fists- or feet-based. They could be all over - top, bottom, left, right, centre, gentle & sustained moves, hard & sudden knocks, and happen all at the same time - such as now, as I type!
Aunty Wan Joo highlighted to me that Papa does not have it easy too. I could have been more understanding and less self-indulgent. But you know, it's never easy to lift and try to put yourself into another person's shoes.
Papa says he's gonna try to get a more stable teaching job so that he can have more time for us. I hope he finds what he wants to do and get the best of all worlds eventually. He will bring us fishing, kite flying, swimming and more when you're born - aren't you looking forward to them? In order to do these, you should ask Papa to stay healthy by drinking more water and eating more fruits. If not, he'll fall sick and can't have fun with us.
Ok, till we see Dr Sim again on 17 Jan, I'll continue to use my imagination to picture what you're attempting to do in my tummy. You are suppose to be head-down by now. Be a good boy when you come out, ok? Daddy and mummy can't wait to see who you resemble :P
Bye for now, lil rockefella!
XOXOXOXOXO,
Mummy...
How are you feeling inside these days? My watermelon boy is turning into a rockmelon boy! Mummy's feeling pretty swell and congested more often. Are you still stretching to cosy up in mummy's belly? 2 more mths to go - I'm sure you are!
Notice that your name has been changed since Yuzhe? Haha, do you think this name sounds better? It means to embark with a sharp mind. Sounds woot, eh? Mummy and daddy has abandoned that former, more stifling name for this cooler one - until another (if at all) name comes to mind :)
Daddy has been so busy that mummy could not help but hold a grudge against him. All my lonely weekends. My wasted golden trimester. Boo hoo! Mummy tried to be a good girl, but still couldn't help feeling really down at times. And once you allow yourself to get down and sucked into a whirlpool, it's hard to get up. But you know, there's really nothing very much to do when you're down. So the next best thing to do is still to get back up on your feet and smell the flowers again. But thank you for keeping mummy company. I often spend my time thinking what you're like, especially when you kick and jive (which is most of the time now). I tried to picture if those chops were fists- or feet-based. They could be all over - top, bottom, left, right, centre, gentle & sustained moves, hard & sudden knocks, and happen all at the same time - such as now, as I type!
Aunty Wan Joo highlighted to me that Papa does not have it easy too. I could have been more understanding and less self-indulgent. But you know, it's never easy to lift and try to put yourself into another person's shoes.
Papa says he's gonna try to get a more stable teaching job so that he can have more time for us. I hope he finds what he wants to do and get the best of all worlds eventually. He will bring us fishing, kite flying, swimming and more when you're born - aren't you looking forward to them? In order to do these, you should ask Papa to stay healthy by drinking more water and eating more fruits. If not, he'll fall sick and can't have fun with us.
Ok, till we see Dr Sim again on 17 Jan, I'll continue to use my imagination to picture what you're attempting to do in my tummy. You are suppose to be head-down by now. Be a good boy when you come out, ok? Daddy and mummy can't wait to see who you resemble :P
Bye for now, lil rockefella!
XOXOXOXOXO,
Mummy...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
第一封信：你的到来，我们的喜悦
宇哲，
这将会是你的名字吗？你妈好喜欢，也好自豪，为你取了这个名字。
她对你的期望，部落格上都写了，我也就不多说了。
我要当爸爸了！这个感觉就和你妈妈一样，是一个带着压力，带着喜悦，也带着彷徨的感觉。
爸爸的工作不定时，而且薪金也没有上班族来得高，要养儿看家没有问题，但是如果要一家舒舒服服，甚至享受家庭生活，的确需要作出一些调整。
我也愿意这么做。因为爸爸想花多一点时间，看着你慢慢长大，也想感受到你所有的第一次。第一次向我们眨眼，第一次的微笑，第一次爬地，第一次抬头。。。
如果你现在读到这封信时已经年过18岁，或许你还不能体会到爸爸的心情。
但是，如果你现在也即将为人父亲，我相信，你也会应该和爸爸一样，带着忐忑不安的心情。
爸爸扯远了。：）
你现在还不过4个多月大，我已经想象你步入30，成家立业了。：）
宇哲，我想让你知道的是，我们全家人都很高兴，而也非常兴奋你的加入。奶奶的兴奋，公公的喜悦，甚至你姑姑和舅舅，虽然可能没说些什么，但是我相信，他们都会因你的加入，增添许多欢笑。
没有人教我们怎么当一个称职的家长，就如没有人会教我们怎么当一个好孩子。
我们都在一路犯错，一路学习，一起成长。
我和妈妈都很期待你和我们一起成长。
希望我们的家庭，充满着爱和包容，我们当然会尽我们的能力去爱护你，去教育你，去扶持你。
你是爸爸和妈妈的爱情结晶，日后你也将创造属于你自己的世界。
这种延续的感觉真的很奇妙。
：)
好了，爸爸下回有感触，再写一封信给你。
对了，妈妈刚才MSN我说你饿了，她正在一个宴会上等待开饭呢！哈哈。。。
好好地吸取养分，快高长大哦！
爱你的爸爸
这将会是你的名字吗？你妈好喜欢，也好自豪，为你取了这个名字。
她对你的期望，部落格上都写了，我也就不多说了。
我要当爸爸了！这个感觉就和你妈妈一样，是一个带着压力，带着喜悦，也带着彷徨的感觉。
爸爸的工作不定时，而且薪金也没有上班族来得高，要养儿看家没有问题，但是如果要一家舒舒服服，甚至享受家庭生活，的确需要作出一些调整。
我也愿意这么做。因为爸爸想花多一点时间，看着你慢慢长大，也想感受到你所有的第一次。第一次向我们眨眼，第一次的微笑，第一次爬地，第一次抬头。。。
如果你现在读到这封信时已经年过18岁，或许你还不能体会到爸爸的心情。
但是，如果你现在也即将为人父亲，我相信，你也会应该和爸爸一样，带着忐忑不安的心情。
爸爸扯远了。：）
你现在还不过4个多月大，我已经想象你步入30，成家立业了。：）
宇哲，我想让你知道的是，我们全家人都很高兴，而也非常兴奋你的加入。奶奶的兴奋，公公的喜悦，甚至你姑姑和舅舅，虽然可能没说些什么，但是我相信，他们都会因你的加入，增添许多欢笑。
没有人教我们怎么当一个称职的家长，就如没有人会教我们怎么当一个好孩子。
我们都在一路犯错，一路学习，一起成长。
我和妈妈都很期待你和我们一起成长。
希望我们的家庭，充满着爱和包容，我们当然会尽我们的能力去爱护你，去教育你，去扶持你。
你是爸爸和妈妈的爱情结晶，日后你也将创造属于你自己的世界。
这种延续的感觉真的很奇妙。
：)
好了，爸爸下回有感触，再写一封信给你。
对了，妈妈刚才MSN我说你饿了，她正在一个宴会上等待开饭呢！哈哈。。。
好好地吸取养分，快高长大哦！
爱你的爸爸
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
New Edition: XYX now comes with Z!
31 Aug 2010 (4+ mths)
Hi Yuzhe!
Mummy’s missing you from yesterday – when we last saw you wriggling in my tummy - already! You simply refused to show us your face, instead choosing to barrow like a bunny down Alice’s Wonderland-treehole while busy learning to paddle with your newfound thigh muscles. Silly boy, there’d soon be no room for you to hide, though it sure does look warm and snugly inside right now.
And we also finally get to call you Yuzhe formally! Dr Sim took a shot of you from the buttocks up and saw something that says ‘BOY!’. The shot looks cute – again, it looks like you try to run away from us as we chase after you for a diaper change in the near future.
We decided to call you Yuzhe – simply because mummy thought of it in a flash. Call it an epiphany; a moment of inspiration. Contrary to your daddy’s well-known linguistic skills and with his blessings too, I thought of inspiring you to explore and unravel the mysteries of the Universe and go forth to do what you should/can:参透宇宙的哲理 。It probably comes across to you as a big name, but one with a small meaning. I suppose that’s what parents do – christen their children, the little people they’ve created to proudly call their own, with a personal aspiration. You can/may do the same with your own children next time.
Mummy’s been jumping the gun and thinking of all sorts of things while you’re inside my cosy enclave. Would I be a good or lazy mummy? Should I appear strong or show my vulnerability? How do I discipline/teach you things and yet be your chum whom you can bitch about stuff with? How should I adjust my mindset that you’ll drift away from me to your friends, girlfriends and wife (now, now, just one will do) 10, 20 and 30 years from now? How do I make sure I don’t make the same mistakes as my parents? How do I know what’s the best for you? I guess I won’t have the answers now; I’ll let you teach me a thing or two about what to do and we can (re)learn how to live life as a family from there.
It also took me some time to realise that while parents will devote all their love to their children, the reverse does not apply. It seems that children can never love their parents as unconditionally; theirs (read: love) is for their would-be children to take pleasure in. It’s just the way nature works.
I used to blame and wonder why my mum "can’t do this" or "give me that" in ways I deem rightful. After all, she’s an all-knowing MOTHER with 3 kids, with me being the last – how could she not know or give me the best? It was only later that I realised that she’s not born a parent. She’s first born as my grandparents’ precious child, just like you and I, before learning how to be a strong nurturer. And there I was – always wondering what’s in it for me but never stopping to look at what was it that I could do for her, a human being with emotions and the need to be loved.
My parents loved me in ways they could and I will now love you in ways that I only know. Sometimes, I get carried away and start thinking about what is it that I would want you to remember me by. That I’m a mother who was also a great singer (but who never quite made it in her standards)? That I grumble and nag just as fervently as my own mother? That I just want you to be happy but yet have overbearing expectations of you? The permutations are as infinite as the stars in the sky.
You hold the key to the answer, which will be yours to decipher. Yuzhe, simply remember us the way you want to remember us, and that will suffice. As for mummy and daddy, we will remember and love you forever, just the way you are - complete with goo, poo and all.
It’s a promise stamped, signed and sealed circa 19 May 2010.
Hi Yuzhe!
Mummy’s missing you from yesterday – when we last saw you wriggling in my tummy - already! You simply refused to show us your face, instead choosing to barrow like a bunny down Alice’s Wonderland-treehole while busy learning to paddle with your newfound thigh muscles. Silly boy, there’d soon be no room for you to hide, though it sure does look warm and snugly inside right now.
And we also finally get to call you Yuzhe formally! Dr Sim took a shot of you from the buttocks up and saw something that says ‘BOY!’. The shot looks cute – again, it looks like you try to run away from us as we chase after you for a diaper change in the near future.
We decided to call you Yuzhe – simply because mummy thought of it in a flash. Call it an epiphany; a moment of inspiration. Contrary to your daddy’s well-known linguistic skills and with his blessings too, I thought of inspiring you to explore and unravel the mysteries of the Universe and go forth to do what you should/can:参透宇宙的哲理 。It probably comes across to you as a big name, but one with a small meaning. I suppose that’s what parents do – christen their children, the little people they’ve created to proudly call their own, with a personal aspiration. You can/may do the same with your own children next time.
Mummy’s been jumping the gun and thinking of all sorts of things while you’re inside my cosy enclave. Would I be a good or lazy mummy? Should I appear strong or show my vulnerability? How do I discipline/teach you things and yet be your chum whom you can bitch about stuff with? How should I adjust my mindset that you’ll drift away from me to your friends, girlfriends and wife (now, now, just one will do) 10, 20 and 30 years from now? How do I make sure I don’t make the same mistakes as my parents? How do I know what’s the best for you? I guess I won’t have the answers now; I’ll let you teach me a thing or two about what to do and we can (re)learn how to live life as a family from there.
It also took me some time to realise that while parents will devote all their love to their children, the reverse does not apply. It seems that children can never love their parents as unconditionally; theirs (read: love) is for their would-be children to take pleasure in. It’s just the way nature works.
I used to blame and wonder why my mum "can’t do this" or "give me that" in ways I deem rightful. After all, she’s an all-knowing MOTHER with 3 kids, with me being the last – how could she not know or give me the best? It was only later that I realised that she’s not born a parent. She’s first born as my grandparents’ precious child, just like you and I, before learning how to be a strong nurturer. And there I was – always wondering what’s in it for me but never stopping to look at what was it that I could do for her, a human being with emotions and the need to be loved.
My parents loved me in ways they could and I will now love you in ways that I only know. Sometimes, I get carried away and start thinking about what is it that I would want you to remember me by. That I’m a mother who was also a great singer (but who never quite made it in her standards)? That I grumble and nag just as fervently as my own mother? That I just want you to be happy but yet have overbearing expectations of you? The permutations are as infinite as the stars in the sky.
You hold the key to the answer, which will be yours to decipher. Yuzhe, simply remember us the way you want to remember us, and that will suffice. As for mummy and daddy, we will remember and love you forever, just the way you are - complete with goo, poo and all.
It’s a promise stamped, signed and sealed circa 19 May 2010.
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