Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mummy's great big guilt and great big fear
"Reirei! Reirei!"
This is how mummy calls out to you in a shrilly voice, in a sometimes desperate bid to get your attention. The more contemplative you looked, the higher the pitch and the greater the flapping; and mummy mutates into a goofy goose. Adoringly, you'd most often respond with a toothless smile and wave your hands excitedly. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Thank God.
For 1,001 reasons - unfounded or not - mummy was often afraid that you'd not respond (affectionately).
When mummy saw Reirei esthetically babbling away and chuckling indulgently at Papa upon being nudged - while I merely managed 1/8 of the enthusiasm - my heart sank. When mummy saw Reirei snugly resting in grandma's arms - while I was still trying to find the best way to put you to sleep, only beaming whenever I achieved an occasional success - my spirits dipped.
Yes, I'm happy that you fancy Papa (and not some stranger). Yes, I'm relived you have a keen granny (and not some random maid) to take care of you. Yet, a tinge of discomfort lingered in my throat, like an insidious phlegm that tickles and refuses to budge.
Don’t we all presume that babies will prefer their mummies beyond the shadow of a doubt? Don’t all mothers possess the natural ability to calm their infants – as compared to their secondary caregiver(s)? It’s something that we should all take for granted. Or shouldn't we?
Mummy thought so too. After all, I have had some pretty good creds to boast of. My nieces, whom I spent quite a fair bit of time with in their growing years, are fond of me (or so I’d like to think). But little did I know that selective playtime with toddlers does not equate on-demand care-giving for newborns.
To relieve mummy, helpful folks quickly took over. Instead of mummy and just mummy alone, Reirei had mummy clones – granny, nanny and daddy – who ensured that he’s in excellent hands. Add to the fact that as mummy didn’t breastfeed Reirei directly (mummy isn’t sure anymore if I made the right decision when I didn’t persevere), I was quickly engulfed by wretchedness. When we tried to put Reirei to the breast after a few months, you had neither the inclination nor the interest.
Was it because that I didn’t manage to share that magical bond that Reirei found little reason to cosy up with mummy? Mummy wished to cuddle you warmly in my arms and feel you tenderly suckling away the gift of life. Mummy wished to see your contented face as you blissfully drift into lala land while drooling away with your tiny mouth agape and little fingers placed by the pillow that is my breast.
It was an exclusive experience that I didn’t get to relish.
As a result, I had to content with “contesting” with the allies. Mummy does feel rather shortchanged at times. And so, mummy tries to pump as much milk as I can, while stock lasts. It sure does feel yucky whenever the machine nonchalantly mutilates mummy’s breasts while Reirei wails away or is being carried and comforted by one of the folks. It sure does feel lousy that granny could also bottle-feed Reirei with mummy’s milk. I can’t help but wonder what in the world was wrong.
But, mummy reconciled with the fact that the breast milk could keep Reirei healthy and fit (no fever after the past jabs, fingers crossed for future ones)! And mummy continued pumping away anyway. Although mummy did not have a lot to offer, I was just glad that Reirei has some to drink.
Thank God.
Reirei, mummy is not complaining. Mummy is just trying to verbalise my thoughts and get certain things out of my system.
Mummy loves you this lifetime and the next. If mummy ever has another baby and attempts to breastfeed with success, do not blame mummy. It doesn’t mean mummy loves you any less.
It’s time to pump. Mummy looks forward to see your toothless smile and wild waves this evening. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Mummy is, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
This is how mummy calls out to you in a shrilly voice, in a sometimes desperate bid to get your attention. The more contemplative you looked, the higher the pitch and the greater the flapping; and mummy mutates into a goofy goose. Adoringly, you'd most often respond with a toothless smile and wave your hands excitedly. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Thank God.
For 1,001 reasons - unfounded or not - mummy was often afraid that you'd not respond (affectionately).
When mummy saw Reirei esthetically babbling away and chuckling indulgently at Papa upon being nudged - while I merely managed 1/8 of the enthusiasm - my heart sank. When mummy saw Reirei snugly resting in grandma's arms - while I was still trying to find the best way to put you to sleep, only beaming whenever I achieved an occasional success - my spirits dipped.
Yes, I'm happy that you fancy Papa (and not some stranger). Yes, I'm relived you have a keen granny (and not some random maid) to take care of you. Yet, a tinge of discomfort lingered in my throat, like an insidious phlegm that tickles and refuses to budge.
Don’t we all presume that babies will prefer their mummies beyond the shadow of a doubt? Don’t all mothers possess the natural ability to calm their infants – as compared to their secondary caregiver(s)? It’s something that we should all take for granted. Or shouldn't we?
Mummy thought so too. After all, I have had some pretty good creds to boast of. My nieces, whom I spent quite a fair bit of time with in their growing years, are fond of me (or so I’d like to think). But little did I know that selective playtime with toddlers does not equate on-demand care-giving for newborns.
To relieve mummy, helpful folks quickly took over. Instead of mummy and just mummy alone, Reirei had mummy clones – granny, nanny and daddy – who ensured that he’s in excellent hands. Add to the fact that as mummy didn’t breastfeed Reirei directly (mummy isn’t sure anymore if I made the right decision when I didn’t persevere), I was quickly engulfed by wretchedness. When we tried to put Reirei to the breast after a few months, you had neither the inclination nor the interest.
Was it because that I didn’t manage to share that magical bond that Reirei found little reason to cosy up with mummy? Mummy wished to cuddle you warmly in my arms and feel you tenderly suckling away the gift of life. Mummy wished to see your contented face as you blissfully drift into lala land while drooling away with your tiny mouth agape and little fingers placed by the pillow that is my breast.
It was an exclusive experience that I didn’t get to relish.
As a result, I had to content with “contesting” with the allies. Mummy does feel rather shortchanged at times. And so, mummy tries to pump as much milk as I can, while stock lasts. It sure does feel yucky whenever the machine nonchalantly mutilates mummy’s breasts while Reirei wails away or is being carried and comforted by one of the folks. It sure does feel lousy that granny could also bottle-feed Reirei with mummy’s milk. I can’t help but wonder what in the world was wrong.
But, mummy reconciled with the fact that the breast milk could keep Reirei healthy and fit (no fever after the past jabs, fingers crossed for future ones)! And mummy continued pumping away anyway. Although mummy did not have a lot to offer, I was just glad that Reirei has some to drink.
Thank God.
Reirei, mummy is not complaining. Mummy is just trying to verbalise my thoughts and get certain things out of my system.
Mummy loves you this lifetime and the next. If mummy ever has another baby and attempts to breastfeed with success, do not blame mummy. It doesn’t mean mummy loves you any less.
It’s time to pump. Mummy looks forward to see your toothless smile and wild waves this evening. Mummy assumes you are happy to see me.
Mummy is, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Monday, February 14, 2011
启人锐事的第3天
小锐锐，
今天你已经3天大了。。。
回家住了一个晚上，你还习惯吗？
爸爸和妈妈第一次为人父，难免手足无措；有时又怕弄伤你，有时又怕弄疼你，有时候你嚎啕大哭，我们更是心慌，手忙脚乱。。。
我们很庆幸雇佣了一位脾气非常好，为人又容易相处的做月奶妈。我们都尽力向奶妈学习，喂奶，换尿布，洗澡，甚至如何从你的一举一动，了解你的需求。。。
今天你哭闹了一阵子，爸爸想安抚你，你却怎么也不停话，怎么抱都得不到你的接受。尽管你才3天大，你已经会使劲地用双脚踢和甩。
但是奶妈一接手，你却非常安静而又听话地静了下来。。。
小锐锐，爸爸在那个时候有点挫败感。
天不怕，地不怕，今天爸爸碰到“敌手”了。
不过，不用担心，爸爸和妈妈会继续学习和你沟通，了解你的需求。
希望你快高长大，健健康康。
爱你的，
爸爸
对了，今天也是2011年2月14日。小锐锐，今年的情人节对爸爸和妈妈都很特别。
因为有了你。 ：）
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
明天
锐锐，
明天你就满10个月大了（至少医生是这么说的）。
爸妈为你准备了好多的东西，搬运奶妈的床褥，买你的婴儿床，还有许多的婴儿用品。
我在想，抱着你的那一刻，心情会是压力多一点，喜悦多一点，还是激情多一点呢？
养儿育女是一项30年的计划，而再过几天，这项计划就会随着你的诞生而落实。
那天老爸的一个朋友说，侄儿的出世改变了家庭成员之间的感情。大家靠得更近，亲情更浓。还有人说，孩子是上天所恩赐的礼物。
你会带来什么礼物呢？妈妈最喜欢惊喜了。你又为妈妈准备了什么惊喜？是一泡尿，还是一坨屎？：）
真的很神奇。
爸爸的父母亲在35年前也是一泡尿，一坨屎地把我们带大。35年见证了一轮岁月，你的出生地新加坡也一跃成为媲美国际城市的舞台。
再过35年，你也和我一样站在同一片土地，而到时候，又是一番什么风景呢？
爸爸又扯远了。：）
告诉我，小锐锐，我们什么时候会见面？
妈妈等不及了。。。
爱你的爸爸
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